Multiple kids

I’ve gotten asked quite a bit how I decided I was ready for another baby after having PPD/A. There was a lot of different things that happened over the coarse of many months for me to realize that I could do it again.

1: My husband had to be 100% on board. I needed him to be ready to do it again. We were both terrified that we were going to literally have to go through hell again to have another newborn. But we put our heads together and supported each other.

2: I came to terms that I was going to take my medication during & after pregnancy & that is was perfectly okay!

3: I saw my friends having baby’s and not having a bad experience. So it made me realize not all babies come with a hard postpartum period.

4: I HAD to set boundaries with everyone.

I told my family exactly what I expected of them during pregnancy and postpartum. I let them know I didn’t want a million visitors the first few weeks of the babies life. I wanted time to bond with my baby and spend some good quality time. I told them I wanted someone to help entertain demetrios so I could take care of the baby.

5: I prayed A LOT.

My experience with Demetrios and Atticus was a completely opposite experience. I’m so happy it went so well the second time and all I can do is hope and pray the same goes for this next little one.

Before motherhood

 Remembering who your were before motherhood. It’s an interesting thing to think about. Who was I before my beautiful child was born? Does it even matter anymore? Do I want to be that person again? Or do I like who I have/am becoming? 

November 16, 2016 I transformed and I will never be the same. But I will never be the same in a good way! I have learned and grown so much in these past 3 years. I have gone through a lot of heartache but I wouldn’t change a thing. I didn’t embrace motherhood right from the beginning, and most days still struggle. I pictured it to be the most beautiful thing. For me the first few months weren’t beautiful, it was scary, unwanted, and emotional.  I wanted my old life back and tried very hard to get it back. Once I realized I had a new identity of being a mama it was much easier to except what was happening and embrace being a mom and all the changes.  

Having this new identity (being a mama) has so so much more to offer then my old self. While being a mom is the most important job I will ever have, I to am a person as a single being. I have needs and wants that need to be met. It’s important that I take care of myself so I can in return take care of my baby(s) and give them the best life possible. As a mom I have been searching for hobbies I can do outside of  being a mom and wife. When I do those things I notice how much happier I am, and also my family. It’s so easy to feel guilty for doing something for yourself but in my opinion it’s 100% okay. I don’t know where I’m really going with this.. except being a mom is hard, It brings me to tears a lot. Especially with little ones who require my attention all day. So I guess I want to end by saying.. find who YOU are as a person and KEEP GOING. 💪🏼

18 week pregnancy update; baby number 3

18 weeks! Wahoo! Love this stage of pregnancy but also want to look more pregnant and less chubby 😂 I started feeling little flutters this week 👏🏼 my cravings are pretty much the same as my other pregnancies. Sandwiches.. potatoes.. fries… chips.. fruit.. and I just want to bake! Haha!

I’m hopeful i will be running the snow canyon half in 6 weeks. My running hasn’t had to slow down yet and I’ve still been able to train so that’s the goal!

Demetrios told me today he loves his baby so much! He gave me a kiss and said I love you mom, then kissed my tummy and said “I love my baby soo much mom” he’s so sweet but also so sour 🤣🤣 anyway.. more about the baby in my tummy.

Everything looked great at my appointment last week and the HR was 156. I can’t believe we are going to have 3 kids! Seems like just yesterday we were having Demetrios. I’m so excited to see what our little 3rd babe brings to our family.

It’s been stressful with this whole job situation tho. I like to plan and have things done in advance. So the fact that i possibly might be delivering in a different hospital with a different OB stresses me out. It took me awhile to find an OB i loved here so i really don’t want a new one 😬 I also want to start getting the nursery together but with the possibility of moving I’ve got to hold off! Hopefully by next pregnancy update we will know more.

See you in 22 weeks baby! Hopefully sooner 🤣

Beautiful, crazy, life.

Life has a funny way of working. You can never get comfortable because then comes a long a curve ball! The older I get the more I realize EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. Is faced with adversity and trials. Everyone. So when you look at someone and think their life is perfect think again. We may all struggle with something completely different but it doesn’t make anyone’s trials less hard. When you are in the middle of a trial it’s hard to not lose hope and site of the big picture. I often have to remind myself to step back and know this is not my plan it’s God’s plan. I’m a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”. The hard part is believing that when going through a difficult time.

Recently Andy got laid off from his job. It’s a very frustrating feeling. We felt so strongly to move down here 2 1/2 years ago and everything fell into place perfectly. Now after a month of Andy looking for a new job we are pretty much out of options in the Saint George area. Saint George isn’t a good area for someone in the tech field, so we were very blessed to get here in the first place. We hope and pray we can stay but sometimes God has a different plan. I feel like we are just getting settled. I’ve made some friends (which always takes me forever. Unlike Andy 🤣) I have a group of gals I like running with. I love my OB. And I really love my job. We have really enjoyed being away from family and it’s helped our relationship a ton. I’m not ready to give it up.. BUT. We might just have to. Andy needs a little more experience before he can start working somewhere remote more than likely. So we are starting to look at our out of state options; AZ, WA, CA,CO and possibly a move up to Utah county 🥴😭. We are hopeful we will be able to come back to Saint George one day and still hope and pray in the next few weeks something will come up so we can stay. But until then we are moving forward onto other options. Andy’s severance is up soon and it’s time to figure something out! We got a baby coming in February and I would like to have things figured out by then. 🙃

Thinking of moving makes me sick and so sad. We love it here, it’s our home. I know as long as I have my boys I will be home. Hopefully in a few weeks we will know the direction we need to take.

So, if you’re going through a rough patch know you aren’t alone. We all struggle and no one has a perfect life. So remember to always be kind, and never judge a book by its cover.

So glad i get to do life with this guy 💙

Please Stay

I took this picture when we were in Hawaii and I’ve wanted to post it for awhile, just trying to put the thoughts i had while experiencing this into writing.

Watching that sunrise up above the clouds with thousands of other people was something i didn’t know would impact me so much. I wish we could all have that same hope in our own lives that our sunrise will 100% come. When you are in a dark time, it’s almost impossible to see the end. I remember after demetrios was born I would bundle him up and take him for walks or runs (probably why to this day i still love stroller running so much)i remember passing neighbors houses and seeing everyone going on with their life like nothing had changed, their lives were normal and mine felt like it was falling apart. I felt so alone. No one could notice the hurt that was going on because it wasn’t a scrape or cut, it was on the inside. But I survived and I’m here to tell you it DOES end. Hang on, it might take weeks, months, days or even YEARS. But it will come. Please don’t go, please FIGHT, please STAY

16 week pregnancy update: baby #3

16 weeks! Eek! I can’t believe it! I’m in that stage of pregnancy when you don’t feel pregnant, but you either look like you ate too much or in my case just look chubby! Probably doesn’t help that all I want to eat is sandwiches, and potatoes 😂 I’m showing so much faster this time and I’m dying to feel those baby wiggles! I thought i felt something a couple nights ago but i wasn’t sure 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mental health has been so much better since getting out of the first trimester. I don’t ever feel sick anymore unless i don’t eat for a really long time. I’m still tired and take a nap almost every day 😂 luckily i have a baby that naps and a toddler that likes to lay on the couch next to me and either fall asleep or watch a movie! I’ve already gained 10 lbs, but i have to remind myself I’m not one of those people that doesn’t gain weight in the beginning. I gain the most weight in the beginning and then towards the end I hardly gain weight.

I still have know idea what this baby is! Demetrios tells me it’s a sister 80% of the time. Atticus still doesn’t know what’s coming for him, minus my growing belly. Lately he’s been crawling up to it and touching it or just staring at it😂

Somehow I’m going to have 3 kids with my oldest barely being 3! I’m sooo nervous, but so dang excited! Having my first 2 so close has been so fun. They are going to adore this little baby and be best friends. While we were on a walk this morning Demetrios asked me where the baby was going to sit in the stroller, I said it’s going to sit in your seat! And he said “no mom, I’m going to hold the baby, it doesn’t get my seat thats silly 😂” He said he wants to help mommy with the baby and hold it when it’s a tiny baby. I’m trying to convince Andy to build a seat on the front of my bob stroller so I can push all three of them 😂😂

I’m still averaging 25-35 miles a week running and feeling so grateful I’m still able to run that far. My pace has only slow a little and I can tell soon I’m going to start slowing down! I did 10 miles on Saturday and it felt really good! I was surprised how well my body handled it.

We love you so much baby, and can’t wait to meet you in February!

Kaydi

Finding joy in motherhood

This is something I never imagined wouldn’t come easy for me. I always thought I would love being a mom and want a big family. I always wanted lots of kids growing up, I had lots of nieces and nephews who I adored and couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. I imagined I would want to be a full time SAHM and never want to work. Right!? WRONG! All i thought I wanted as a young girl is not what i want now that I’m a mother. And thats OKAY 💙

Once demetrios was born and having that rough start with him, I realized motherhood is much, much harder and SO SO different for everyone. So over the next several weeks I want to take a different topic that I struggle with & others struggle with and TALK about it. Let’s help each other 👏🏼

I can honestly say 3 years later I still struggle almost daily trying to find joy in this stage of life. Yeah I don’t really have depression or much anxiety anymore (thank goodness) BUT I still struggle. I used to feel SO guilty saying that, but then I realized a lot of other moms have this struggle too! It’s not that I don’t love my kids or want to be with them, it’s just hard dealing with tantrums, crying babies, messy diapers, whining, and the physical and mental demand it takes to raise tiny humans. It’s hard to find balance in finding time for myself and taking care of my family. Here are some things I’ve found most helpful when I’m struggling to find joy.

1: Write things down! Every day I write down something (big or small) that brought me joy that day

2: Take time for yourself. Some people need more than others and that’s OKAY.

3: It’s okay to have your own view on how motherhood should be. It’s different for everyone. There is no right perfect way to be a mom. A great mom is a happy mom! If you need 2 hours away from your kids every day then do it! If you need to work then do it, if you need to eat chick fil a daily do it, if you need to meditate do it. I think you get it. But really whatever it is that helps you be a better mom then DO IT. Easier said than done right!? 😂

4: Do something YOU love daily. For me that’s running! Find your thing and do it!

5: Find friends that understand + gives you someone to talk to other than tiny humans.

6: And lastly communicate with you husband, SO, or whoever you need to help you with your kids. If they know your needs it makes it a little easier to do what you need to do to be a good mama.

I obviously don’t know everything about being a mom as I’m only 3 years in, and I never will know everything, but these are the things that help me 🥰

Enjoy

Kaydi

And some random pictures of me doing something that brings me JOY! Photography 💙

True Deep Down Happiness

I have been off my Zoloft for 1 whole week. It has been about a month since I started weaning off of it. This month has been one of the best and challenging months all at the same time. As I began weaning off my Zoloft i realized that it supressed a lot of my emotions. Yes i have felt happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety, excitement, depression, and many other emotions but in a very small form. As I began weaning I began having BIG emotions. At first I was bummed because I thought this meant depression was lingering around the corner. Although it was nice to feel an overwhelming amount of happiness it also meant I went through a few days of feeling irritable and sad. But I stuck with weaning, eating healthy, and taking my natural supplement and boy am I glad I did. It feels so good to have true belly laughing, can’t stop smiling happiness! The joy and happiness demetrios has brought to our lives is overwhelming and finally I get to feel 100% of it.

 While I was on Zoloft the only thing I realized was how much it helped my depressed and anxious feelings go away and it also made it so I didn’t cry. if you know me you know I am a big crier. I cry when i’m happy, sad, mad, overwhelmed and every other emotion. It is how I have been my whole life and it’s just part of me. Not being able to cry was sometimes frustrating but for the most part it was not a big deal. What I didn’t realize is that Zoloft suppressed many other emotions. It wasn’t until I started weaning that I realized I have never felt so happy. I was talking to Andy last night and I told him that I haven’t felt this happy since he was born. I honestly didn’t think I could experience more happiness than I already was experiencing? It really took me by surprise. 

Since going through PPD/A I have become a lot more in tune with my emotions. If I feel a certain way I like to know whats causing it and then I do something that makes me happy to fix it. We are getting close to demetrios’ first birthday, and I’m happy to say I’m zoloft free. It has been a very challenging year, especially the beginning, but we did it! I survived PDD. I do know that when another baby comes a long my chances of developing prenatal or PPD are high and if I need to I will go back on zoloft but for now I’m going to soak in these new emotions I’m feeling. I hope my story has helped someone along the way. Its been hard at times being so vulnerable but I don’t want anyone to suffer in silence. Im always open to talk, I know how important it is to have friends to talk to when going through such a hard time.

xoxo

Kaydi

Modern Medicine vs Homeopathic Medicine

My main goal of creating this blog was to share my journey through PPD/Anxiety. Although my PPD/anxiety has been under control for the past 9 1/2 months (ish) its a journey which i think i will battle a lot through out my lifetime. So I am going to update you as of late.

Working in the medical field I have a strong love for modern medicine, but I also believe not everything little thing needs medicine and we are an overmedicated society. (just my opinion 🙂 ) During pregnancy I had the option to take zoloft to help with anxiety and depression. I chose not to because I was worried of the side effects and how it would effect Demetrios. Well once Demetrios was born it got so bad I felt like I didn’t have another option, enough time to research, and I needed something urgent.  Now that I have had my anxiety and depression under control I wanted to find something more natural to try before next baby comes along.

I had been juggling the idea of going a more natural route since Demetrios was 6 months old, but I didn’t know where to start. Since I was weaning off of medication I didn’t want to take it lightly. I needed a Dr to help me, but I also wanted a Dr who would help me try something natural and not just tell me to stay on Zoloft. It can be hard these days to find homeopathic Doctors. Lucky for me I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned a doctor that she went to for anxiety and told me I should go.  I had my first visit with him today and as of today I am starting a natural supplement and a very clean diet to help heal my brain. I will take 3/4 the dose of my Zoloft along with this natural supplement and work my way down until i am completely off Zoloft. I am very excited to try something different and natural.

I will try and post weekly about weaning off Zoloft and my journey through a more natural approach of healing my brain. If anyone has any questions for me or my doctor just comment or message me and i can get back to you. This post isn’t to make light of depression and make you feel like you need to take something natural. It is to inform other people that there are other options if anyone is looking. If anyone would have told me to try something natural in those first few days of Demetrios life I probably would have ripped their head off  haha! I felt like i was drowning and now that I’m above water I feel like this is the best option of my family and I. Remember you are definitely not alone.  1 in 7 women experience PPD, and about 70% of women suffer some form of baby blues. Its time to speak out and end the stigma.

 

xoxo,

Kaydi