Postpartum Depression; from my husbands eyes

Kaydi has been asking me to write this post for awhile now, but I keep putting it off because I don’t like thinking about it. I can only imagine what Kaydi went through during those months leading up to dK and after he was born. I felt selfish for having thoughts of “why is that happening to me?” when she was the one going through a really dark time. I was supposed to be a beacon of hope and light for her and instead sometimes I would just want to tell her to knock it off and it would be ok. I remember when she started having trouble with her new job working at the hospital. She would toss and turn all night being so anxious to go to work the next morning. She would come home and just cry about how she couldn’t do it anymore. I would think to myself “you just went through all of this school… why are you wanting to quit already?” I couldn’t understand why, I didn’t know what I could do. Then when she decided to quit a few months before dK arrived and just a few short months after starting, I thought for sure she would never work again. My new worries came as I knew she was sitting at home all day. I thought it would cause even worse depression and anxiety and make her want to nap and sleep away the day. I told her she needed some hobbies or something to do because I didn’t want her to just sit around all day while I was going to work. Things got better after she stopped working and she kept busy getting dK’s room all put together. Fast forward to the night dK was born… WOW what a life changing moment! One moment its just the two of us and next thing I know we are a family of three and I all of sudden have this little baby to care for. I had no idea what to do. It was one of the happiest and scariest moments in my life. Kaydi doesn’t like it when i say this but little man came out with the biggest head and I thought for sure he was an alien. Those next two days in the hospital I was pretty naive. I had no idea what was about to happen. When we got home everything seemed ok for a few hours and then it was like a dark cloud came into our house and it was awful. Kaydi wouldn’t talk to me, she would go silent, and I was scared to do anything. My mom and sister would want to come and visit but I had to tell them no. Kaydi had not wanted anyone to come over and it was really, really hard on me. I wanted to share the little bundle of joy with my family and I felt as though Kaydi did not want me too or me to be happy. It was really fast that Kaydi noticed she had PPD and she was able to get on the ‘Happy Pill” as I call it early, except it took like 6 weeks to kick in. Luckily, Kaydi was ok with having her mom come over and so she stayed with us a lot those first few weeks and I started calling her granny nanny. It was a huge blessing having her there. As the days went on I would want my family to be more involved and Kaydi did not like that, it caused her anxiety. I struggled so bad with this. Here I am, a very social person and super close with my family and I wanted to share that with them and my wife would not let me. It was so hard. I didn’t really know why she felt that way or what I was going to do. She decided to go start seeing a counselor and after the first visit she was finally able to open up and shine some light on the scary situation. For the first time i was starting to see some light. After a few more visits things were getting better and better. As the little man was getting older and the RSV season was passing we were able to go out more and see more people. We learned through this that I get rejuvenated by being around others and Kaydi is opposite and likes her alone time. Throughout out this whole time I was constantly on my knees praying, asking my Father in Heaven for strength, courage and patience. The whole time I kept having this reecuuring thought, “Forget about yourself and see through her eyes” and as I would do my best to do that I was able to look past the pitch black tunnel and know that there was light coming. That this was not how it was going to be forever. I read D&C 121: 7-8

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

This gave me hope and I knew that I would get my wife back. It wouldn’t be easy and I knew it would take time but through it all, it would all work out. I am super grateful for all the friends and family I had to support us through this experience. Having someone talk to for me was huge! Its not good to bottle those feelings and thoughts up. I hope no one else has to go through what we did. If you do, don’t wait to talk to someone or to get help. There is hope, you can do it, you are not alone. I am so grateful to my amazing wife who did not ask for this experience but was able to turn something so awful into something of good. She is such an amazing mother to our little boy, who adores his momma. She is such a beautiful person. I always tell her that her smile can light up anyones day so to always send a smile everywhere she goes. I love you Kaydi Lyn.

Andy

 

 

Going through PPD/anxiety was SO hard, SO HARD. Watching Andy suffer the side effects from my PPD/anxiety was even harder. I could tell he didn’t know who i was anymore.  He walked around like he was walking on eggshells afraid he would upset me or make me cry. He was sick of sitting at home but was so worried about me so he wouldn’t leave my side. I would cry to Andy but not make any sense. He had no idea how to help me and for a couple weeks I couldn’t really explain to him how he COULD help. As andy mentioned above he prayed for patience, I can honestly tell you not one time in our marriage have i felt Andy not be patient with me. He is the most PATIENT person ever and even during this dark and scary time he was the most patient. Lucky for me I had my mom and sisters who could relate a little to my situation so they were able to help Andy. Once I went to my counselor she told me how to explain what I was going through to Andy. That was such a life savor and I felt like we had a break through in our PPD journey at this point. There were many times when Andy wanted to have his family to come over and I had to tell him no because I was too sad or anxious. After a couple weeks I realized I needed to let family over, it was SO hard. Many times family would come over and I would lock myself in our bedroom and pretend to be asleep, when secretly I would sit there and cry and wish i could be normal again. As hard as going through this was, i’m grateful for who it has made me become. I have made new friends along the way and have a new appreciation for life and a husbands love. Beat the stigma and know you are not alone. Its time to speak up and speak out.

xoxox

Kaydi

Advertisements

Modern Medicine vs Homeopathic Medicine

My main goal of creating this blog was to share my journey through PPD/Anxiety. Although my PPD/anxiety has been under control for the past 9 1/2 months (ish) its a journey which i think i will battle a lot through out my lifetime. So I am going to update you as of late.

Working in the medical field I have a strong love for modern medicine, but I also believe not everything little thing needs medicine and we are an overmedicated society. (just my opinion 🙂 ) During pregnancy I had the option to take zoloft to help with anxiety and depression. I chose not to because I was worried of the side effects and how it would effect Demetrios. Well once Demetrios was born it got so bad I felt like I didn’t have another option, enough time to research, and I needed something urgent.  Now that I have had my anxiety and depression under control I wanted to find something more natural to try before next baby comes along.

I had been juggling the idea of going a more natural route since Demetrios was 6 months old, but I didn’t know where to start. Since I was weaning off of medication I didn’t want to take it lightly. I needed a Dr to help me, but I also wanted a Dr who would help me try something natural and not just tell me to stay on Zoloft. It can be hard these days to find homeopathic Doctors. Lucky for me I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned a doctor that she went to for anxiety and told me I should go.  I had my first visit with him today and as of today I am starting a natural supplement and a very clean diet to help heal my brain. I will take 3/4 the dose of my Zoloft along with this natural supplement and work my way down until i am completely off Zoloft. I am very excited to try something different and natural.

I will try and post weekly about weaning off Zoloft and my journey through a more natural approach of healing my brain. If anyone has any questions for me or my doctor just comment or message me and i can get back to you. This post isn’t to make light of depression and make you feel like you need to take something natural. It is to inform other people that there are other options if anyone is looking. If anyone would have told me to try something natural in those first few days of Demetrios life I probably would have ripped their head off  haha! I felt like i was drowning and now that I’m above water I feel like this is the best option of my family and I. Remember you are definitely not alone.  1 in 7 women experience PPD, and about 70% of women suffer some form of baby blues. Its time to speak out and end the stigma.

 

xoxo,

Kaydi

Mom life 💁🏼

Since becoming a mom my desire to get ready has gone down the drain. Probably because lack of time, I’m home, or running errands all day so who cares?? Amiright?? 

Some days you need to get ready to get you through the day.. thankfully I found Pinkblush maternity wear. Their pieces are the best because I can wear most of them while pregnant, when I’m nursing, and when I’m in-between babies and just want to look fab! 

My hubby loves them too and they are perfect for date night. Who needs more date nights in their life, we sure do!! So do yourself a favor and go grab something from Pinkblush. 💕
Xoxo 

Kaydi 

September 23, 2017

Poor little Demetrios is still sick 😢 it breaks my heart seeing him sick! He’s congested and has a little cough. It’s almost been 2 weeks so hopefully he gets better soon. He slept 12 1/2 hours last night and we were grateful because the night before he was up half the night 😴

He is so close to crawling. He can go backwards but can’t quite figure out how to go forwards. He sure can make his way around tho! He is a busy body and always on the move. He has 7 teeth and I think he is trying to get more he is always chewing on things. I can’t believe in less than 2 months we will have a 1 year old 😲

He loves saying dada when he is happy and tired.. he says mama when he he is sad or mad. He’s the best at giving me loves and lots of kisses. I love this stage right now, he loves to cuddle with me and i am soaking it all in! 
Xoxo

Kaydi 

Teaching him how to spell his name since it will take awhile 😂

September 20, 2017 

I’ve decided I want to start blogging multiple times a week, eventually every day. So much is happening with life write now I want to document it all! Demetrios is growing so fast and I don’t want to forget anything! So here is my first post for yesterday. 

Today was hard. Like really, really hard. Demetrios woke up almost every hour last night because he has a cold. I would have to rock him back to sleep every time he woke up. I was tired because the night before I had worked a night shift and had been awake for 36+ hours. Luckily my patience stayed at bay and I was able to make it through the night and just love on that little boy. 

Yesterday morning was a whole different story though. I felt frustrated and upset. He would not. stop. crying. No matter what I did. Poor kiddo probably felt like junk. Daddy came home from work and relieved me for a few minutes so I could shower. Thank goodness for dads right!? Demetrios was pretty whiny all day and my patience was so thin! I had to constantly remind myself he is just a baby and doesn’t feel good. 

He took 2 great naps yesterday and by the evening he was starting to be more like his happy self. Man being a mama is hard work! And having a sick baby is even harder! But all the cute things he does make up for the hard times. Like yesterday when we were eating lunch and watching Moana. He sat in his cute little camping high chair and just looked cute as ever! 

He sure is getting big and loves eating real food instead of his bottles! We love you little man!! 
Xoxo 

Kaydi 

Bad Days Lead to Better Days

I don’t really know where to begin… My heart is SO full. This little boy has impacted my life WAY more than he will ever be able to comprehend. He has taught me patience, love, sacrifice, selflessness, more patience, hard work, what being tired really means, and most of all how to be Christ-like. When andy and I started talking about having a baby I would have never guessed how much I would learn in such a short amount of time.

This past week has been particularly rough.. I don’t know if it is because I have a teething baby who seems to need me every second of every day, I don’t know if its because I’ve been eating like crap, not being able to go to work as much, and get me time?? who knows. But it has been plain hard. Sunday i started feeling down and disconnected with Demetrios. I was so confused why after 8 months of feeling so much love and connection with him I was not motivated to take care of him. Luckily Andy was home this day and he helped me tremendously. Yesterday rolled around and I still felt like I was in this funk. I got up early took 2 hours to go to pilates, then go for a run so I could get some me time before Demetrios woke up, hoping it would help my feelings. But it didn’t, I got home from my run and still felt unmotivated. So I told andy I should call my doctor and let him know what was going on. For those of you that don’t know i have been on 25 mg of Zoloft sense Demetrios was born. This has always worked wonders for me and I haven’t had the desire to wean off. I told my doctor I was concerned that maybe my dose was to high now (because i doubt it would just stop working after working for so long) or something just wasn’t right! He told me to come in on Wednesday and we will chat about some options. I was sad and really wanted to get in to see him yesterday. I said a prayer to heavenly father and somehow I made it through the day. Andy got home from work and I cried to him that I didn’t want him to have to go to work tomorrow, and why was all this happening to me again. I was very confused. But Andy reminded me that everyone has bad days so I kept on keeping on. That night I started feeling better, and by this morning i felt like my normal self again. I don’t know why the past week I have felt so crummy, but maybe it was heavenly fathers way of telling me not to get upset when that certain little someone cries and whines for me and just wants to snuggle. Instead soak in these memories because they grow so fast. I always promised myself that I would never take these days for granted because I hate regrets. I got a swift kick in the rear from heavenly father telling me to ENJOY my little boy, being a mother, and all the hard days that accompany it.

Demetrios is my saving grace, at the end of the day I can see his sweet face and immediately feel at peace. I hope and pray this little boy will grow up and realize the pure love his mamas has for him, find a beautiful bride to take to the temple, and one day have a child of his own, and understand even just a fraction of what his own mother went through. Andy and Demetrios are my “home,” my
safe place, and I can’t imagine doing life without them.

 

My dear friend Erin took some ” Mommy and Me” pictures for me a couple weeks ago, and i couldn’t be more happy with how they turned out. I will cherish these forever.

 

 

xoxo

Kaydi

 

 

Postpartum Depression/Anxiety

My story is one i love to share. It was SO hard to go through but i went through it for a reason and now i feel like its my turn to help others. I want to help others realize postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is more common than you think. And most of all i am here to support you or just talk. It really does take a village to raise a child.

Have you ever felt like you’re drowning in emotions and couldn’t catch your breath? This is how i felt when my precious son was born. I had this perfect, beautiful, baby to love on and i felt so overwhelmed and sad. WHY?! Postpartum depression didn’t start for me after he was born, it started months before my baby came along.

When i was nearing the end of my second trimester i noticed myself feeling really down and depressed. Nothing sounded fun and i just wanted to lay in bed all day. I was a new graduate training at a new job that was high stress. On top of that i had a 45 minute commute, a 12 hour shift and a 45 minute commute back home. I am the type of person that if i don’t get a good amount of sleep (7-9) hours i start getting anxious about how tired i am going to be and then i can’t sleep because I’m so worked up. I had a doctors appointment and told my doctor how i was feeling, he prescribed me the lowest dose of zoloft. I went and got it filled but after much thought and prayer i decided not to take it. My anxiety and depression started getting worse. I started getting panic attacks on the nights before i had to work. It got so bad that i would get to work and start to cry which would get me into a serious panic. Luckily my manager was very understanding and tried working with me as much as possible. I told her i wanted to try PRN and nights instead of full-time to see if i would be able to handle that, she agreed and the next week i did my first PRN night shift. Honestly, the night shift made it a little better because i didn’t have to get up early and stress the night before. But while i was at work that night i had a profound feeling that this wasn’t the right thing for me to be doing at this time.

Quitting was a very hard choice. But work was the main cause of most of my anxiety and depression. Although it sounded appealing to not have to work the remainder of my pregnancy i felt all sorts of emotions. BAD that i would sit at home all day while my husband worked his butt off.  SAD that i couldn’t enjoy my job that just got a 4 year degree for. Mad because i felt like the only pregnant women who couldn’t work up to delivering her baby. And most of all i felt scared, scared that i was going to have an upset husband, scared that i was going to fall into a deeper, darker depression, scared that people would judge me, scared that i would never get hired at another job because of my reason for quitting, and scared that i was going to forget everything i had just learned in school.

Quitting my job ended up being the right thing to do. Although i had a lot of extra time on my hands, for the most part i never felt really depressed or anxious the remainder of my pregnancy. I had a few bad days here and there but i tried to make the most of all my free time. After about 2 months of not working there was a PRN job opening at Mckay Dee hospital and i decided to apply for it. It was close to home, and would be perfect for after the baby was born. I went into the interview telling myself if it was meant to be i would get the job if not i would be happy and keep on keeping on. I ended up not getting the job and i was sad at first but i new it was the right thing. At this point i only had 2 months until Demetrios was due so i kept myself busy getting ready for his arrival.

On november 16, 2016 our precious baby boy Demetrios Kostandinos Bolos was born at 5:18 pm. I have never felt a love so strong, love for my husband and child grew leaps and bounds in that moment. It was so amazing going through giving birth, even with a 18 hour labor i loved every second! My second night in the hospital is when i noticed myself   getting a little down. I really had nothing to stress about in the hospital which was nice, but also i think it was what made our first night at home so hard. I didn’t realize that when you sent them to the nursery in the hospital they didn’t just sleep haha!! so naive. But luckily He was a great nurser, great baby but i just needed sleep. I was SO tired, and so was my husband. Luckily we had great help and we survived the first few nights at home. The first few days i had some crying spells and started feeling hatred toward my baby. By day 4 postpartum i was an absolute mess. I would just cry all day and say how much i didn’t want my baby or to be a mom anymore, i just wanted it to be me and my husband again. We called my doctor and he told me to start my medication immediately but to realize it would take 4-6 weeks to start working. I was at my breaking point, i had no choice but to take medication and get help. Lucky over the next 3 weeks my mom stayed the majority of the nights, and my sisters helped out to. I started seeing a counselor and getting foot zones. The counselor helped me understand everything i was going through and it really helped me to have someone to talk to.

When Demetrios was just over 3 weeks old i started feeling a ton better. I felt like i could handle him on my own and didn’t need help overnight anymore, i actually wanted to snuggle him! it felt so amazing to finally connect with my baby and not dread when i had to hold or feed him.

Now he is 7 1/2 months old and I’ve enjoyed every minute sense then! I love being a mom more than i can put into words and am so grateful i got the help i needed. Of course i still have hard days (just like any mom) but i try not to take any moment for granted. I don’t want regrets, i want to love him with my whole heart and be the best mama and wife i can be.

 

xoxo

Kaydi

 

Demetrios’ Birth Story

On Monday November 14, 2016 I had a doctors appointment and was dilated to a 1 and 80% effaced. My doctor told me he could strip my membranes to see if that would get the ball rolling. I agreed, because at this point I felt desperate to get demetrios out! That night I was having a little cramping so Andy and I decided to go for a walk, hoping it would turn into full blown contractions. I had consistent cramping for a few hours that night but nothing that got more painful.

The next day I went up to my sisters house to go for a walk with her. We went 1 mile and then decided to keep going. We ended up going 4 miles!! Haha! By the time I got back I was having some more intense cramping. I was helping her make dinner and decided I better head home and just relax.

I got home and decided to get in the bath to see if it would help the pain I was having. Andy called me while I was in the bath and said he felt like he needed to come home and was on his way! I told him it was probably a good idea because I was having contractions that were about 5-7 minutes apart. I got out of the bath and put the enchiladas that I had made with my sister in the oven so we could eat dinner when Andy got home. I was sure my contractions were just going to go away. As we were eating dinner they kept getting more intense and painful. We started timing them and they were about 3-5 minutes apart and 30-45 seconds long. After we finished eating I found myself curled up in a ball on the floor because they were getting SO intense and painful. I decided I better get in the shower so I could have clean hair in case today was the day! Haha! It took me forever to shower because every couple minutes I was on my knees in so much pain. Once I was done showering i was going to try and labor at home as much as possible. But about 15 minutes later I was in so much pain and for sure thought we needed to get to the hospital quickly.

We arrived at the hospital that night around 7:30 pm. The nurse checked me and I was still only at a 1 and 80%. I was sooo bummed, and in so much pain. I needed that epideral now!! They had us walk around for 45 minutes and checked me again and I still had not progressed even though my contractions were so intense and about 1 minute apart. They gave me morphine so I would be able to go home and get some rest. The morphine did absolutely nothing except make me fall asleep for the 1 minute between contractions, then I would wake right back up and have terrible pain. They had to monitor me on the morphine for a couple hours before they could send me home.

At about 10:30-11:00 they sent us home and as soon as I got home I told Andy to make me pancakes in case we go back and I’m in actual labor and can’t eat. Haha! My contractions just kept getting worse and worse so at 11:45 we went back to the hospital. When they checked me I was at a 2 and 100% thinned. Luckily my doctor was the on call doc that night so they were able to admit me!

I was admitted at 12:00 pm on November 16. Hallelujah! Once I got situated in my room the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural. Once that got going my doctor came in and broke my water. My contractions were still consistent but I was progressing very slow! Around 4am on November 16, I was only at a 4. My nurse started me on pitocin hoping to speed things up. It didn’t do much and I kept on progressing about a 1/2 cm every hour.

At 1:00 pm I was about 8 cm, so I texted my friend who was going to take pictures of the delivery and told her to be ready! She got there about 3, and i was at a 10! I started pushing with my nurse for about an hour. She could then see demetrios’ head really well so she called the doctor. I then pushed with my doctor for another HOUR! I was so done pushing and wanted this baby out!! So I gave everything I had and his head finally came out, then one more push and our beautiful baby boy Demetrios Kostandinos Bolos was born on November 16, 2016 at 5:18 pm. Demetrios came into this world making his cute little grunting noises that he likes to make. He weighed 7lbs and 19 1/2 inches long. There was blood everywhere and later I found out my placenta was shredded so it was a good thing I had him when I did or I could have had serious complications. I will never forget the way I felt giving birth I wish I could do it over and over again. It was the most amazing and spiritual experience. I loved watching Andy become a dad and fell so much more in love with him.

xoxo,

Kaydi

 

IMG_2189IMG_2192IMG_2815