Kaydi has been asking me to write this post for awhile now, but I keep putting it off because I don’t like thinking about it. I can only imagine what Kaydi went through during those months leading up to dK and after he was born. I felt selfish for having thoughts of “why is that happening to me?” when she was the one going through a really dark time. I was supposed to be a beacon of hope and light for her and instead sometimes I would just want to tell her to knock it off and it would be ok. I remember when she started having trouble with her new job working at the hospital. She would toss and turn all night being so anxious to go to work the next morning. She would come home and just cry about how she couldn’t do it anymore. I would think to myself “you just went through all of this school… why are you wanting to quit already?” I couldn’t understand why, I didn’t know what I could do. Then when she decided to quit a few months before dK arrived and just a few short months after starting, I thought for sure she would never work again. My new worries came as I knew she was sitting at home all day. I thought it would cause even worse depression and anxiety and make her want to nap and sleep away the day. I told her she needed some hobbies or something to do because I didn’t want her to just sit around all day while I was going to work. Things got better after she stopped working and she kept busy getting dK’s room all put together. Fast forward to the night dK was born… WOW what a life changing moment! One moment its just the two of us and next thing I know we are a family of three and I all of sudden have this little baby to care for. I had no idea what to do. It was one of the happiest and scariest moments in my life. Kaydi doesn’t like it when i say this but little man came out with the biggest head and I thought for sure he was an alien. Those next two days in the hospital I was pretty naive. I had no idea what was about to happen. When we got home everything seemed ok for a few hours and then it was like a dark cloud came into our house and it was awful. Kaydi wouldn’t talk to me, she would go silent, and I was scared to do anything. My mom and sister would want to come and visit but I had to tell them no. Kaydi had not wanted anyone to come over and it was really, really hard on me. I wanted to share the little bundle of joy with my family and I felt as though Kaydi did not want me too or me to be happy. It was really fast that Kaydi noticed she had PPD and she was able to get on the ‘Happy Pill” as I call it early, except it took like 6 weeks to kick in. Luckily, Kaydi was ok with having her mom come over and so she stayed with us a lot those first few weeks and I started calling her granny nanny. It was a huge blessing having her there. As the days went on I would want my family to be more involved and Kaydi did not like that, it caused her anxiety. I struggled so bad with this. Here I am, a very social person and super close with my family and I wanted to share that with them and my wife would not let me. It was so hard. I didn’t really know why she felt that way or what I was going to do. She decided to go start seeing a counselor and after the first visit she was finally able to open up and shine some light on the scary situation. For the first time i was starting to see some light. After a few more visits things were getting better and better. As the little man was getting older and the RSV season was passing we were able to go out more and see more people. We learned through this that I get rejuvenated by being around others and Kaydi is opposite and likes her alone time. Throughout out this whole time I was constantly on my knees praying, asking my Father in Heaven for strength, courage and patience. The whole time I kept having this reecuuring thought, “Forget about yourself and see through her eyes” and as I would do my best to do that I was able to look past the pitch black tunnel and know that there was light coming. That this was not how it was going to be forever. I read D&C 121: 7-8
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
This gave me hope and I knew that I would get my wife back. It wouldn’t be easy and I knew it would take time but through it all, it would all work out. I am super grateful for all the friends and family I had to support us through this experience. Having someone talk to for me was huge! Its not good to bottle those feelings and thoughts up. I hope no one else has to go through what we did. If you do, don’t wait to talk to someone or to get help. There is hope, you can do it, you are not alone. I am so grateful to my amazing wife who did not ask for this experience but was able to turn something so awful into something of good. She is such an amazing mother to our little boy, who adores his momma. She is such a beautiful person. I always tell her that her smile can light up anyones day so to always send a smile everywhere she goes. I love you Kaydi Lyn.
Going through PPD/anxiety was SO hard, SO HARD. Watching Andy suffer the side effects from my PPD/anxiety was even harder. I could tell he didn’t know who i was anymore. He walked around like he was walking on eggshells afraid he would upset me or make me cry. He was sick of sitting at home but was so worried about me so he wouldn’t leave my side. I would cry to Andy but not make any sense. He had no idea how to help me and for a couple weeks I couldn’t really explain to him how he COULD help. As andy mentioned above he prayed for patience, I can honestly tell you not one time in our marriage have i felt Andy not be patient with me. He is the most PATIENT person ever and even during this dark and scary time he was the most patient. Lucky for me I had my mom and sisters who could relate a little to my situation so they were able to help Andy. Once I went to my counselor she told me how to explain what I was going through to Andy. That was such a life savor and I felt like we had a break through in our PPD journey at this point. There were many times when Andy wanted to have his family to come over and I had to tell him no because I was too sad or anxious. After a couple weeks I realized I needed to let family over, it was SO hard. Many times family would come over and I would lock myself in our bedroom and pretend to be asleep, when secretly I would sit there and cry and wish i could be normal again. As hard as going through this was, i’m grateful for who it has made me become. I have made new friends along the way and have a new appreciation for life and a husbands love. Beat the stigma and know you are not alone. Its time to speak up and speak out.