My story is one i love to share. It was SO hard to go through but i went through it for a reason and now i feel like its my turn to help others. I want to help others realize postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is more common than you think. And most of all i am here to support you or just talk. It really does take a village to raise a child.
Have you ever felt like you’re drowning in emotions and couldn’t catch your breath? This is how i felt when my precious son was born. I had this perfect, beautiful, baby to love on and i felt so overwhelmed and sad. WHY?! Postpartum depression didn’t start for me after he was born, it started months before my baby came along.
When i was nearing the end of my second trimester i noticed myself feeling really down and depressed. Nothing sounded fun and i just wanted to lay in bed all day. I was a new graduate training at a new job that was high stress. On top of that i had a 45 minute commute, a 12 hour shift and a 45 minute commute back home. I am the type of person that if i don’t get a good amount of sleep (7-9) hours i start getting anxious about how tired i am going to be and then i can’t sleep because I’m so worked up. I had a doctors appointment and told my doctor how i was feeling, he prescribed me the lowest dose of zoloft. I went and got it filled but after much thought and prayer i decided not to take it. My anxiety and depression started getting worse. I started getting panic attacks on the nights before i had to work. It got so bad that i would get to work and start to cry which would get me into a serious panic. Luckily my manager was very understanding and tried working with me as much as possible. I told her i wanted to try PRN and nights instead of full-time to see if i would be able to handle that, she agreed and the next week i did my first PRN night shift. Honestly, the night shift made it a little better because i didn’t have to get up early and stress the night before. But while i was at work that night i had a profound feeling that this wasn’t the right thing for me to be doing at this time.
Quitting was a very hard choice. But work was the main cause of most of my anxiety and depression. Although it sounded appealing to not have to work the remainder of my pregnancy i felt all sorts of emotions. BAD that i would sit at home all day while my husband worked his butt off. SAD that i couldn’t enjoy my job that just got a 4 year degree for. Mad because i felt like the only pregnant women who couldn’t work up to delivering her baby. And most of all i felt scared, scared that i was going to have an upset husband, scared that i was going to fall into a deeper, darker depression, scared that people would judge me, scared that i would never get hired at another job because of my reason for quitting, and scared that i was going to forget everything i had just learned in school.
Quitting my job ended up being the right thing to do. Although i had a lot of extra time on my hands, for the most part i never felt really depressed or anxious the remainder of my pregnancy. I had a few bad days here and there but i tried to make the most of all my free time. After about 2 months of not working there was a PRN job opening at Mckay Dee hospital and i decided to apply for it. It was close to home, and would be perfect for after the baby was born. I went into the interview telling myself if it was meant to be i would get the job if not i would be happy and keep on keeping on. I ended up not getting the job and i was sad at first but i new it was the right thing. At this point i only had 2 months until Demetrios was due so i kept myself busy getting ready for his arrival.
On november 16, 2016 our precious baby boy Demetrios Kostandinos Bolos was born at 5:18 pm. I have never felt a love so strong, love for my husband and child grew leaps and bounds in that moment. It was so amazing going through giving birth, even with a 18 hour labor i loved every second! My second night in the hospital is when i noticed myself getting a little down. I really had nothing to stress about in the hospital which was nice, but also i think it was what made our first night at home so hard. I didn’t realize that when you sent them to the nursery in the hospital they didn’t just sleep haha!! so naive. But luckily He was a great nurser, great baby but i just needed sleep. I was SO tired, and so was my husband. Luckily we had great help and we survived the first few nights at home. The first few days i had some crying spells and started feeling hatred toward my baby. By day 4 postpartum i was an absolute mess. I would just cry all day and say how much i didn’t want my baby or to be a mom anymore, i just wanted it to be me and my husband again. We called my doctor and he told me to start my medication immediately but to realize it would take 4-6 weeks to start working. I was at my breaking point, i had no choice but to take medication and get help. Lucky over the next 3 weeks my mom stayed the majority of the nights, and my sisters helped out to. I started seeing a counselor and getting foot zones. The counselor helped me understand everything i was going through and it really helped me to have someone to talk to.
When Demetrios was just over 3 weeks old i started feeling a ton better. I felt like i could handle him on my own and didn’t need help overnight anymore, i actually wanted to snuggle him! it felt so amazing to finally connect with my baby and not dread when i had to hold or feed him.
Now he is 7 1/2 months old and I’ve enjoyed every minute sense then! I love being a mom more than i can put into words and am so grateful i got the help i needed. Of course i still have hard days (just like any mom) but i try not to take any moment for granted. I don’t want regrets, i want to love him with my whole heart and be the best mama and wife i can be.