Postpartum Depression/Anxiety

My story is one i love to share. It was SO hard to go through but i went through it for a reason and now i feel like its my turn to help others. I want to help others realize postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is more common than you think. And most of all i am here to support you or just talk. It really does take a village to raise a child.

Have you ever felt like you’re drowning in emotions and couldn’t catch your breath? This is how i felt when my precious son was born. I had this perfect, beautiful, baby to love on and i felt so overwhelmed and sad. WHY?! Postpartum depression didn’t start for me after he was born, it started months before my baby came along.

When i was nearing the end of my second trimester i noticed myself feeling really down and depressed. Nothing sounded fun and i just wanted to lay in bed all day. I was a new graduate training at a new job that was high stress. On top of that i had a 45 minute commute, a 12 hour shift and a 45 minute commute back home. I am the type of person that if i don’t get a good amount of sleep (7-9) hours i start getting anxious about how tired i am going to be and then i can’t sleep because I’m so worked up. I had a doctors appointment and told my doctor how i was feeling, he prescribed me the lowest dose of zoloft. I went and got it filled but after much thought and prayer i decided not to take it. My anxiety and depression started getting worse. I started getting panic attacks on the nights before i had to work. It got so bad that i would get to work and start to cry which would get me into a serious panic. Luckily my manager was very understanding and tried working with me as much as possible. I told her i wanted to try PRN and nights instead of full-time to see if i would be able to handle that, she agreed and the next week i did my first PRN night shift. Honestly, the night shift made it a little better because i didn’t have to get up early and stress the night before. But while i was at work that night i had a profound feeling that this wasn’t the right thing for me to be doing at this time.

Quitting was a very hard choice. But work was the main cause of most of my anxiety and depression. Although it sounded appealing to not have to work the remainder of my pregnancy i felt all sorts of emotions. BAD that i would sit at home all day while my husband worked his butt off.  SAD that i couldn’t enjoy my job that just got a 4 year degree for. Mad because i felt like the only pregnant women who couldn’t work up to delivering her baby. And most of all i felt scared, scared that i was going to have an upset husband, scared that i was going to fall into a deeper, darker depression, scared that people would judge me, scared that i would never get hired at another job because of my reason for quitting, and scared that i was going to forget everything i had just learned in school.

Quitting my job ended up being the right thing to do. Although i had a lot of extra time on my hands, for the most part i never felt really depressed or anxious the remainder of my pregnancy. I had a few bad days here and there but i tried to make the most of all my free time. After about 2 months of not working there was a PRN job opening at Mckay Dee hospital and i decided to apply for it. It was close to home, and would be perfect for after the baby was born. I went into the interview telling myself if it was meant to be i would get the job if not i would be happy and keep on keeping on. I ended up not getting the job and i was sad at first but i new it was the right thing. At this point i only had 2 months until Demetrios was due so i kept myself busy getting ready for his arrival.

On november 16, 2016 our precious baby boy Demetrios Kostandinos Bolos was born at 5:18 pm. I have never felt a love so strong, love for my husband and child grew leaps and bounds in that moment. It was so amazing going through giving birth, even with a 18 hour labor i loved every second! My second night in the hospital is when i noticed myself   getting a little down. I really had nothing to stress about in the hospital which was nice, but also i think it was what made our first night at home so hard. I didn’t realize that when you sent them to the nursery in the hospital they didn’t just sleep haha!! so naive. But luckily He was a great nurser, great baby but i just needed sleep. I was SO tired, and so was my husband. Luckily we had great help and we survived the first few nights at home. The first few days i had some crying spells and started feeling hatred toward my baby. By day 4 postpartum i was an absolute mess. I would just cry all day and say how much i didn’t want my baby or to be a mom anymore, i just wanted it to be me and my husband again. We called my doctor and he told me to start my medication immediately but to realize it would take 4-6 weeks to start working. I was at my breaking point, i had no choice but to take medication and get help. Lucky over the next 3 weeks my mom stayed the majority of the nights, and my sisters helped out to. I started seeing a counselor and getting foot zones. The counselor helped me understand everything i was going through and it really helped me to have someone to talk to.

When Demetrios was just over 3 weeks old i started feeling a ton better. I felt like i could handle him on my own and didn’t need help overnight anymore, i actually wanted to snuggle him! it felt so amazing to finally connect with my baby and not dread when i had to hold or feed him.

Now he is 7 1/2 months old and I’ve enjoyed every minute sense then! I love being a mom more than i can put into words and am so grateful i got the help i needed. Of course i still have hard days (just like any mom) but i try not to take any moment for granted. I don’t want regrets, i want to love him with my whole heart and be the best mama and wife i can be.

 

xoxo

Kaydi

 

Demetrios’ Birth Story

On Monday November 14, 2016 I had a doctors appointment and was dilated to a 1 and 80% effaced. My doctor told me he could strip my membranes to see if that would get the ball rolling. I agreed, because at this point I felt desperate to get demetrios out! That night I was having a little cramping so Andy and I decided to go for a walk, hoping it would turn into full blown contractions. I had consistent cramping for a few hours that night but nothing that got more painful.

The next day I went up to my sisters house to go for a walk with her. We went 1 mile and then decided to keep going. We ended up going 4 miles!! Haha! By the time I got back I was having some more intense cramping. I was helping her make dinner and decided I better head home and just relax.

I got home and decided to get in the bath to see if it would help the pain I was having. Andy called me while I was in the bath and said he felt like he needed to come home and was on his way! I told him it was probably a good idea because I was having contractions that were about 5-7 minutes apart. I got out of the bath and put the enchiladas that I had made with my sister in the oven so we could eat dinner when Andy got home. I was sure my contractions were just going to go away. As we were eating dinner they kept getting more intense and painful. We started timing them and they were about 3-5 minutes apart and 30-45 seconds long. After we finished eating I found myself curled up in a ball on the floor because they were getting SO intense and painful. I decided I better get in the shower so I could have clean hair in case today was the day! Haha! It took me forever to shower because every couple minutes I was on my knees in so much pain. Once I was done showering i was going to try and labor at home as much as possible. But about 15 minutes later I was in so much pain and for sure thought we needed to get to the hospital quickly.

We arrived at the hospital that night around 7:30 pm. The nurse checked me and I was still only at a 1 and 80%. I was sooo bummed, and in so much pain. I needed that epideral now!! They had us walk around for 45 minutes and checked me again and I still had not progressed even though my contractions were so intense and about 1 minute apart. They gave me morphine so I would be able to go home and get some rest. The morphine did absolutely nothing except make me fall asleep for the 1 minute between contractions, then I would wake right back up and have terrible pain. They had to monitor me on the morphine for a couple hours before they could send me home.

At about 10:30-11:00 they sent us home and as soon as I got home I told Andy to make me pancakes in case we go back and I’m in actual labor and can’t eat. Haha! My contractions just kept getting worse and worse so at 11:45 we went back to the hospital. When they checked me I was at a 2 and 100% thinned. Luckily my doctor was the on call doc that night so they were able to admit me!

I was admitted at 12:00 pm on November 16. Hallelujah! Once I got situated in my room the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural. Once that got going my doctor came in and broke my water. My contractions were still consistent but I was progressing very slow! Around 4am on November 16, I was only at a 4. My nurse started me on pitocin hoping to speed things up. It didn’t do much and I kept on progressing about a 1/2 cm every hour.

At 1:00 pm I was about 8 cm, so I texted my friend who was going to take pictures of the delivery and told her to be ready! She got there about 3, and i was at a 10! I started pushing with my nurse for about an hour. She could then see demetrios’ head really well so she called the doctor. I then pushed with my doctor for another HOUR! I was so done pushing and wanted this baby out!! So I gave everything I had and his head finally came out, then one more push and our beautiful baby boy Demetrios Kostandinos Bolos was born on November 16, 2016 at 5:18 pm. Demetrios came into this world making his cute little grunting noises that he likes to make. He weighed 7lbs and 19 1/2 inches long. There was blood everywhere and later I found out my placenta was shredded so it was a good thing I had him when I did or I could have had serious complications. I will never forget the way I felt giving birth I wish I could do it over and over again. It was the most amazing and spiritual experience. I loved watching Andy become a dad and fell so much more in love with him.

xoxo,

Kaydi

 

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